I checked into jail on foursquare
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
