If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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