shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
