if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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