He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
