I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
