last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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