Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Randomize
