This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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