He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Randomize