I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Randomize
