I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
