I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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