my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize