It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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