we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
