you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
