Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
it wasn't lemon gatorade
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I just found puke in my bra..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
