Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
