The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
