woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
