I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
