He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
