Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
