I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
