DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
