Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
