fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
