Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I will be naked everywhere
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
