I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
