sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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