I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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