He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
