How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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