I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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