Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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