um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
