first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Drunk is a universal language darling
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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