why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Randomize
