D3 body, D1 cock
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
