after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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