At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
