My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
