just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
