im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
