super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
