it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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