You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
