My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
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