We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
