Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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