when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize