I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
