i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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