i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
