I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
this is an emotional support booty call
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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