It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
