Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Randomize
