I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize