My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Randomize
