my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
