I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
