you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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