You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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