Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
