she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
