my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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