the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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