So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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