I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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