Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
